EPISODE 5: When One Door Closes
Part 1 INT School Hall, Night.
The School Hall has been decorated for a dance or prom. Youngsters in their late teens mill about in eveningwear, dancing, chatting, kissing. HANK sidles through the throng, in a suit, holding two disposable cups. He is 19, and still very clean cut, still very much the old Hank, in appearance at least. MR WENDLEY, a middle aged man, blatantly a teacher, stops HANK as he passes.
WENDLEY:
Well hello there, Hank.
HANK:
(itching to go)
Oh, hey, Mr Wendley.
WENDLEY:
Good to see you could make it
to one leaver's ball at least.
HANK:
Didn't want to go to one
without a date, Sir.
WENDLEY:
So you waited for young Sheila
to graduate. As you did for her
to accompany you to college.
How gentlemanly.
HANK:
Yeah, well, it's her who's
waiting for me right now so...
WENDLEY:
You always did strike me as a
wonderful young man, Hank. I
hope you don't mind me saying.
So thoughtful, so mature. Such
a good role model.
HANK:
(politely)
Hmm.
WENDLEY:
I'm sure you'll go far, kid. On
to great things.
HANK:
Well, for now it's on to my
girlfriend, if you'll exc...
WENDLEY:
Well then what are you waiting
for? Don't let me keep you!
HANK smiles politely as he sidles off, his expression turning into one of irritation as soon as WENDLEY is behind him. He spots something ahead of him and smiles a world weary smile.
HANK's POV. SHEILA, in a pink gown, is sat in one of four plastic chairs, looking up at him desperately. The chair next to her is Hank's, and thus empty. On the chairs flanking Sheila's and Hanks, sit ERIC and DIANA. ERIC is in a suit and DIANA in a very revealing evening gown. Their chairs are turned in on each other and they are having a screaming row across SHEILA.
ERIC:
Well what did you want me to
say? Of course it's slutty.
Have you even seen a mirror?
There's... nipples and
everything...
DIANA tugs self consciously at the neck of her dress.
DIANA:
So what if there is? You have
got no right to say so. You
are not my father!
ERIC:
Damn straight I'm not. If I
were your father I'd never let
you go out looking like that.
SHEILA:
Make it stop.
Wider shot of the four kids. HANK, grinning, reaches into the semicircle and take SHEILA's hand. DIANA and ERIC automatically lean over so they can still spout vitriol at each other without being blocked by HANK.
DIANA:
Well maybe my Dad just took one
look at who was picking me up
and thought he seemed pretty
safe.
HANK:
Shall we dance?
SHEILA rises.
SHEILA:
Love to!
HANK leads SHEILA away from the squabbling pair.
ERIC:
"Safe"?!? What do you... Oh, I
see, if all else fails, try to
Out Eric.
DIANA:
Oh I don't have to try.
ERIC:
Well you're pretty trying right
now...
On HANK and SHEILA. ERIC and DIANA's voices have faded into the background. HANK twirls SHEILA around in the dancefloor space they have found and they prepare to dance.
MUSIC:
"God Only Knows", The Beachboys.
HANK rolls his eyes. SHEILA sighs.
HANK:
One for the teachers, huh.
MR WENDLEY and a middle aged woman dance past them. MR WENDLEY winks at HANK.
SHEILA:
Yep.
A wicked thought enters SHEILA's head.
HANK:
Always the way.
SHEILA whispers something in HANK's ear. HANK reacts, shocked but pleased.
HANK:
Red...!
CUT TO
INT Toilet cubicle, Night.
HANK is seated on the toilet, with SHEILA straddling his lap. Her shoes sit on the cistern and she has her bare feet propped against the wall. They are both fully clothed but it is obvious that they are having sex, as discreetly as possible.
SFX:
Door swings open, footsteps.
HANK reacts to this and puts his finger to his lips. SHEILA obediently stops her gyrations. They both sit still, watching the cubicle door, waiting for whoever it is to leave again.
ERIC:
(O/S)
I know that's you in there,
Hank. I recognise the shoes.
Both HANK and SHEILA slump in despair. HANK mouths "Oh for fuck's sake".
CUT TO
INT The men's toilets, Night.
There are only two cubicles in the toilets, and HANK's feet are indeed perfectly visible under one of them. ERIC takes a cigarette packet and lighter out of his inside jacket pocket and gets comfortable on the sinks. He takes out a cigarette.
ERIC:
Well, as I predicted, she looks
in-fucking-credible.
ERIC lights the cigarette and smokes.
ERIC:
I barely have to look at her
and I've got a boner the size
of the Chrysler Building.
On HANK and SHEILA in the cubicle. They both pull a face. SHEILA mouths "Eww".
ERIC:
(O/S)
So any normal guy would think
"Wow, she's dressed up really
nice for me tonight, maybe I
should ask her out on a real
date."
On ERIC, sitting on the sink, smoking.
ERIC:
What do I do? Why, I insult
her, make her paranoid that
she looks slutty and then fuck
off to the little boy's room to
bitch about it.
On HANK and SHEILA, in the cubicle.
HANK:
So get out there, man. Ask her.
On ERIC, on the sink.
ERIC:
I will. Maybe... Oh, who am I
kidding? I can't do it.
ERIC flicks the ash off his cigarette.
ERIC:
Do I really look that gay?
SHEILA:
(O/S)
Oh my God, who cares?
ERIC jumps up to his feet.
ERIC:
Sheila. Shit. Tell me you guys
aren't doing it.
On SHEILA and HANK.
SHEILA:
Not any more.
On ERIC, hastily stubbing out his cigarette.
ERIC:
Don't you worry, my little
lovebirds, I'm gone, I was
never here. In fact, this
bathroom's out of order, and
I'll make sure there's a sign
up saying so in the next ten
seconds.
ERIC makes to go.
SHEILA:
(O/S)
Tell her!
ERIC:
No chance.
ERIC opens the door.
SHEILA:
(O/S)
If it's the size of the
Chrysler Building, she'd want
to know!
ERIC, embarrassed, shakes his head and leaves.
On HANK and SHEILA, in the cubicle.
HANK:
Why me? Why do they always
think I have all the answers?
SHEILA:
Because you're Hank. And that's
why I love you.
She kisses him.
CUT TO
EXT Wasteland in the Realm, Day.
The kids and UNI are fleeing across a barren terrain. There is a cave in the distance. On PRESTO as he stops HANK.
PRESTO:
We have to go back to the cave!
HANK:
You want to make it even
madder?
The BEAST, with the body of a giant lion (about the size of an elephant), a snakelike neck and a boar's face, suddenly snakes its head up behind PRESTO and HANK and shrieks. PRESTO and HANK both yelp and scatter, narrowly missing the torrent of acid which it vomits at them. HANK lands awkwardly and struggles to rise. The BEAST stalks up to him and spews acid again, but HANK is suddenly dragged onto his feet and away from imminent danger by an invisible force.
On SHEILA, as she uncloaks herself, her hands still around HANK's arm.
SHEILA:
Hank. I can do it, if you guys
keep the cutie pie distracted.
HANK:
No way, Sheila.
SHEILA:
It won't even know I'm there!
HANK:
I said, no.
BOBBY:
(O/S)
Over here, Gorgeous!
SHEILA looks over HANK's shoulder.
SHEILA:
Bobby...
On BOBBY, UNI and DIANA. BOBBY and DIANA brandish their weapons, while UNI growls dangerously. The BEAST speeds from HANK and SHEILA over to them, shrieking.
DIANA:
Oh yeah? You and whose army?
UNI charges the BEAST and attempts to gore it. The BEAST's skin is so thick, however, that her horn does it barely any harm. With a swipe of one mighty paw, the BEAST is able to knock UNI off her feet.
On BOBBY, horrified.
BOBBY:
I'm coming, Uni...
BOBBY tries to charge the BEAST himself. He only manages a couple of steps before he's deliberately tripped up by Diana's staff.
BOBBY:
What the...
DIANA pulls him back up onto his feet.
DIANA:
She's OK, Bob.
On UNI, quickly getting back up and fleeing back towards them.
DIANA:
(O/S)
See?
The BEAST follows UNI towards BOBBY and DIANA. It rears, then vomits a particularly large torrent of acid.
On BOBBY, DIANA and UNI.
BOBBY:
Oh shit.
ERIC suddenly skids between them and the BEAST, just in time to shield them from the acid.
DIANA:
Hey, thanks, hun.
ERIC, still shielding DIANA and BOBBY, turns to them, furious.
ERIC:
Hey, there's a big deadly
monster chasing us! Should we
do something sensible like run
away or hide? Nah, let's be
idiots and attack it blindly,
Eric'll save us!
DIANA:
I said "thanks".
BOBBY:
Asshole.
ERIC:
Y'know, I don't have to stay
here if I'm not appreciated.
SHEILA:
(O/S)
Hey!
On the BEAST. It turns its head.
On SHEILA, in the distance, uncloaking.
SHEILA:
Now you see me...
She cloaks herself and disappears.
SHEILA:
...now you don't!
HANK:
(O/S)
Sheila, no!
On the BEAST. Searching for SHEILA it shrieks, confused.
On BOBBY, UNI, DIANA and ERIC. ERIC lowers his shield, giving the others a filthy look. HANK and PRESTO run in to join them.
HANK:
Bobby, can you stop your
sister? She won't listen to me.
BOBBY:
She's part of the team, Hank.
And she's the best one for this
job. Have a little faith.
PRESTO:
Somebody has to destroy the
portal in that cave, Hank.
Neither you nor me can hit it
from here, it's too dangerous
for Bob, Diana or Uni to just
go charging in and Eric just
proved how much we need him
here in defence.
Close on HANK. He ponders this, troubled.
HANK:
OK. You win.
He raises his bow and draws back a bolt.
HANK:
But let's make the biggest damn
distraction we can.
He fires an arrow. It wings the BEAST. It whips its head round, enraged.
HANK:
(eyes on the Beast ahead)
Presto, you're defending Diana.
Eric, you're with Bobby...
Slightest pause.
HANK:
(still looking ahead)
He's already gone off with
Diana, hasn't he?
PRESTO and BOBBY smile resignedly at HANK. DIANA can be seen sprinting off in the background, with ERIC in hot pursuit.
PRESTO:
Yep.
HANK:
Fine. You're with Bob. Why do
I bother?
HANK fires another bolt at the BEAST. He misses. He does hit something to the BEAST's side, however. A brief outline of a woman shows up in a flash of yellow light momentarily and is pushed to the ground.
SHEILA:
(pained scream)
SHEILA appears, fallen, on the ground. She clutches her stomach in pain.
On HANK, horrified, his bow still raised.
HANK:
Red! Shit!
On BOBBY and PRESTO, who turn at HANK's voice.
PRESTO:
Sheila?
On SHEILA. She looks up with false bravery.
SHEILA:
I'm OK. It just smarts, is all.
On HANK. He begins running to SHEILA.
HANK:
Oh shit! Oh shit, I hit my
baby!
On BOBBY and PRESTO, also running to her.
BOBBY:
Sheila!
PRESTO:
You're gonna be OK, Sheila.
On SHEILA, as HANK reaches her.
SHEILA:
I know I will! I'm fine!
Beat.
SHEILA:
Where's the Beast?
HANK:
Never mind that now.
(calls)
Presto! We might need your
help!
PRESTO:
(O/S)
Coming...
SHEILA:
Forget it, Hank. Get back to
the...
PRESTO, BOBBY and UNI appear at SHEILA's side.
SHEILA:
Jesus Wept! Is anybody still
fighting?
BEAST:
(O/S shriek)
DIANA:
(O/S)
Augh!
SHEILA looks past BOBBY towards the voice.
SHEILA:
Diana...
On DIANA, sprinting towards the cave. Both ERIC and The BEAST are giving chase.
ERIC:
(yells)
What are you doing?
DIANA:
(yells over her shoulder)
Sheila's down. Somebody's gotta
get to that portal, and I'm
fastest.
ERIC:
(yells)
That thing's on your tail!
DIANA:
(yells)
So distract it!
On ERIC, running as fast as he can to get into the BEAST's eyeline.
ERIC:
Hey!
ERIC begins to wave his arms at the BEAST. The BEAST stops and looks at him.
ERIC:
Hey look, it's a shiny, noisy
thing! You like shiny noisy?
The BEAST approaches ERIC, who draws his sword.
ERIC:
You like sharp and pointy?
Hacky stabby things?
The BEAST regards ERIC for a moment, then turns back to DIANA, now almost at the cave. The BEAST shrieks and chases after DIANA again.
ERIC:
Shit!
ERIC begins to run after DIANA. He risks darting a glance towards the others, still far away with the wounded SHEILA.
ERIC:
(yells)
One of you guys, do something!
On HANK and the others. They look at HANK expectantly.
BOBBY:
What do we do?
HANK looks over at the running BEAST.
HANK:
Uh...
SHEILA struggles to rise.
SHEILA:
Guys...
BOBBY holds her back, his eyes still on HANK. HANK rises, drawing his bow. He aims shakily at the BEAST.
HANK:
OK, uh...
SHEILA:
You'll never hit it from here.
PRESTO raises a hand. Magic flickers over it.
PRESTO:
Hank, leave this to m...
HANK releases a bolt.
On the BEAST, at the mouth of the cave and almost upon DIANA, as Hank's bolt rips across its side.
BEAST:
(enraged shriek)
Hurt, the BEAST stumbles sideways into the cave mouth. The impact of the BEAST causes rocks to fall down from the side of the cave. Most of them hit the BEAST, which writhes, angry and injured. DIANA, now just inside the cave, standing by a portal to a green, hilly terrain, shields her face from the rubble which falls down on her.
DIANA:
Watch it!
The BEAST, still flinching from falling rocks, notices her cry and rears up in front of her.
DIANA:
Fuck!
On ERIC, running, almost at the BEAST.
ERIC:
Get out of there, ya dumb
bitch!
On the others. HANK and PRESTO both start impulsively sprinting towards the cave. HANK draws another bolt, PRESTO raises both hands, in which spheres of magic form.
PRESTO & HANK:
(as one)
I got it!
At the same moment, HANK and PRESTO both "fire".
On the BEAST. Presto's magic and Hank's bolt both hit it at the same time. The force of them pushes it forward towards DIANA and against the mouth of the cave again, causing more rocks to fall. At the same moment it spews acid, like a fire hose out of control.
On DIANA. She flinches and screams.
On ERIC. He launches himself towards DIANA and falls into her, shield up, just in time. Their figures are lost in a torrent of rock, sizzling with acid.
SHEILA:
(O/S)
Diana! Eric!
On the BEAST. It finally collapses dead outside the cave mouth, which has by now been completely covered by half melted rock.
On PRESTO and HANK. They stand stock still, bow and hands still raised, frozen in shock.
On BOBBY, UNI and SHEILA. SHEILA twists out of BOBBY's grasp angrily and gets to her feet. Clutching her wounded abdomen, she stumbles over to the cave. BOBBY and UNI follow.
SHEILA:
Oh shit! Shit! Are they...
under there?
As she passes PRESTO and HANK, they follow her.
SHEILA:
God, they're under there!
She reaches the caved in entrance and pushes against the rock.
SHEILA:
It's fused!
BOBBY:
The acid that thing spat...
SHEILA pounds against the rock.
SHEILA:
Diana?!?
HANK draws back his bow.
HANK:
Don't worry. I can blast them
out.
SHEILA turns furiously to HANK.
SHEILA:
Oh yes. Of course you can. Your
way's always the best, huh?
HANK:
Sheila, would you just... stop
undermining me, OK?
SHEILA:
I'm undermining you? My plan
woulda worked, Hank, but you
didn't trust me.
HANK fires at the fused rock, creating a slight crack.
HANK:
I didn't want you to get hurt.
SHEILA:
But I did get hurt, Hank. And
two of our best friends might
be dead...
SHEILA breaks off into tears. HANK says nothing, but fires again. PRESTO takes SHEILA's shoulders.
PRESTO:
Hey. It'll be OK. Eric's strong
enough to keep that shield up
for ages. And that's if they
didn't make the portal. I bet
they did. It looked nice there.
SHEILA:
Yeah? They'll be OK?
PRESTO:
Sure.
Beat.
PRESTO:
Are you OK?
SHEILA looks over at HANK, who fires again.
SHEILA:
(sighs)
I will be.
CUT TO
EXT Green hills, Day.
Close on ERIC and DIANA. They are both passed out on the grass, ERIC on top of DIANA. His face rests on her top. The fur tickles him into consciousness.
ERIC:
(confused mumble)
He props himself up and looks down at DIANA.
ERIC:
Huh.
He looks around and sees, near their feet, the portal, now blocked with fused stone.
ERIC:
Oh great.
ERIC taps DIANA's face gently.
ERIC:
Hey.
DIANA stirs.
DIANA:
Mmph.
DIANA's POV: ERIC leaning over her, framed by a blue sky. He smiles as she opens her eyes.
ERIC:
Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey.
DIANA:
Eric... what...
ERIC:
Sssh. Are you OK?
On ERIC and DIANA. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
DIANA:
Mm-hmm.
ERIC:
Sure?
DIANA:
Yeah.
ERIC pushes himself off her, violently.
ERIC:
Well, you don't fucking deserve
to be!
DIANA props herself up.
DIANA:
What?
ERIC gets to his feet.
ERIC:
What sort of deranged plan was
that of yours, just to go
running off on your own like
that? If it wasn't for me,
you'd be a pancake by now.
DIANA:
Hey, at least it was a plan,
which was better than anything
else I was hearing.
ERIC:
It was idiotic. And now we're
walled into yet another weird
world, on our own and about
another trillion miles away
from home!
DIANA:
And how do we know this isn't
Earth?
DIANA indicates to the sky.
DIANA:
There's only one sun.
ERIC taps his shield. It hums with energy.
ERIC:
Weapons still work. Any more
questions, genius?
DIANA stands, and faces ERIC off.
DIANA:
Yeah, actually. Why did you
have to jump in and save me?
ERIC:
Because I'm the shield guy. I'm
the poor bastard who has to get
between the morons and the
monsters they've ticked off, in
case you'd forgotten.
DIANA flutters, sarcastically.
DIANA:
My hero.
ERIC:
Shut up.
DIANA:
With what riches can I reward
thee, oh valiant knight? Gold?
Sapphires?
ERIC:
Shut up.
DIANA:
Or perhaps...
She leans in close to him.
DIANA:
Thou covets an altogether
different jewel of a lady?
ERIC blocks her face with his hand.
ERIC:
You wanna thank me? Try not
being so stupid all the time.
DIANA pushes his hand away.
DIANA
You stop being so annoying.
ERIC:
That's pretty rich...
SFX:
Hank's bow, very faint.
DIANA holds a hand up to silence ERIC.
DIANA:
Hear that?
They listen, and turn to the blocked portal.
DIANA:
It's coming from there.
ERIC:
Oh joy.
ERIC slumps down on the grass.
DIANA:
What is that?
ERIC:
Sounds like Lord of the Rings
is trying to shoot us out.
DIANA sits down with him.
DIANA:
Guess we just wait then.
Assuming he doesn't miss again
and accidentally blow up the
universe.
ERIC snorts a laugh. As he does, he is suddenly interrupted by a loud, tolling bell. He and DIANA clap their hands to their ears.
ERIC:
What the Hell..?
DIANA:
Huh?
ERIC:
It doesn't matter...
ERIC's voice trails off as he notices the blocked up portal beginning to disappear.
DIANA:
What the Hell?
They both spring to their feet and half scrabble, half pound at the stone blocking the portal. They yell at it, even though their voices are all but drowned out by the tolling bell.
ERIC:
No! No, come back!
DIANA:
(half over him)
Stop shooting, Hank! You're
breaking it...
The portal disappears.
DIANA:
Hank? Guys?
Beat. The bells stop, the last toll fading into silence.
DIANA:
Shit.
ERIC:
What now?
Beat. They look at each other.
DIANA:
The bells.
ERIC:
Huh?
DIANA:
Somebody starting ringing bells
just before the portal closed.
ERIC:
Duh, really? So what?
DIANA:
So maybe they're connected.
Maybe somebody watches the
portals here, I don't know. How
can we tell if we just stand
here and argue?
ERIC:
Well there's no bell tower
here. You can see for miles.
There's nothing.
DIANA flicks ERIC's shield. It glows momentarily.
DIANA:
This world's magic too,
remember? Those bells coulda
come from anywhere. We need to
find somewhere we can get
information.
ERIC sighs and indicates off, lacklustre.
ERIC:
There's a path leading off on
that hill over there. There's
bound to be a town or something
along it.
DIANA starts to head off.
DIANA:
See? We can come up with a
sensible plan if we try.
She turns to ERIC, who still hasn't budged.
DIANA:
Well, are you coming with me?
Or are you going to wait for
our noble leader to turn up and
start shooting at us again?
CUT TO
EXT Wasteland outside the blocked cave, Day.
HANK and PRESTO are taking it in turns to fire energy at the melded rock. BOBBY, UNI and SHEILA watch them. The crack in the rock grows. HANK stops abruptly.
HANK:
OK, Bob. Try it now.
BOBBY steps up, wielding his club. He smashes it against the weakened stone, which shatters, revealing nothing but the back of the shallow cave.
On SHEILA, her mouth drops open in shock and dismay.
SHEILA:
No! Where'd they go?
PRESTO runs into the cave, feeling the walls frantically.
PRESTO:
They were right here. And so
was the portal. It can't have
just...
On BOBBY. A horrible realisation dawns.
BOBBY:
...but portals disappear all
the time, Presto.
On the group. PRESTO hangs his head.
SHEILA:
They're gone?
PRESTO:
Yep.
On HANK and SHEILA. SHEILA turns from HANK. HANK, on the defensive, struggles to find a bright side.
HANK:
Hey. Maybe they went home.
VENGER:
(O/S)
No. That was not Earth.
HANK and SHEILA both snarl automatically at hearing VENGER's voice behind them.
On BOBBY, turning to VENGER, who stands forlornly a little way from the group.
BOBBY:
(deadpan)
Just who we wanted to see.
PRESTO:
(O/S)
Let him speak, Bob.
BOBBY folds his arms.
BOBBY:
Yeah. I'll let him speak. I'd
like to know why we just lost
two guys trying to wreck a
portal that was going to self
destruct anyway.
VENGER:
The door only went because you
had killed the one who had been
keeping it hostage.
BOBBY:
How do you keep a portal
hostage?
VENGER:
What you saw was one of the
most valuable portals in the
Realm. The only one to that
dimension beyond, it naturally
changes location both in our
world and theirs at random.
VENGER steps over the dead BEAST towards the group.
VENGER:
That beast was holding our side
here, so that the forces of
evil could enter their world
without warning, to plunder
and destroy as they wished. Now
that it is dead, neither side
of the door can be controlled.
All is as it was intended
again.
On SHEILA and HANK. SHEILA claps her hands in fake joy.
SHEILA:
Yippee! We saved yet another
world we don't belong in, and
all it cost us was two friends!
HANK:
Yeah, how're Eric and Diana
ever supposed to find the way
back here? Even if they do,
they could show up on the other
side of the Realm to us.
On the group, VENGER central.
VENGER:
They will find a way. And once
they do, I am sure that their
weapons will find yours as
quickly as possible.
Beat. VENGER smiles sheepishly.
VENGER:
They do not like being apart,
believe me.
BOBBY:
Speaking from experience, huh?
VENGER checks himself.
VENGER:
I...
HANK:
Our friends are lost out there
and you're joking about the
"good old days"?
VENGER:
I should go.
PRESTO:
Yes. You should.
VENGER:
Continue with your quest and
despair not, young ones. When
one door closes, another is
opened.
VENGER fixes SHEILA with a gaze. She meets it.
VENGER:
But when one is shut, you must
leave it so.
VENGER turns and walks away. The others stand, watching him go. The shadow of him spreading his wings appears over them, then flies up and off. SHEILA scowls after him.
SHEILA:
What was that supposed to mean?
PRESTO:
I guess... that there's no
point in standing around this
dumb cave any more. The portal
won't come back here.
HANK puts an arms around SHEILA's shoulder.
HANK:
Let's go.
SHEILA shakes HANK's arm off, furiously.
SHEILA:
And don't you touch me!
HANK reacts angrily. BOBBY makes a step to intervene, but is ushered away by PRESTO. UNI watches HANK and SHEILA for a moment.
HANK:
What is your fucking problem?
SHEILA:
You are my fucking problem,
Hank. Don't you dare think I'm
not still really mad at you!
HANK:
What, for helping you?
SHEILA:
I didn't need help! But they
did and you ignored them
because you can't trust me to
look after myself.
HANK:
I did it because I love you,
Sheila.
SHEILA:
(now hysterical with rage)
Well maybe that's not good
enough any more! It's not gonna
bring Eric and Diana back, it's
not gonna get us home. We need
Hank. Because it's Hank that I
love and... and who the fuck
are you? Who the fuck are you,
because you're not my Hank!
Beat. HANK and SHEILA look at each other, SHEILA seething, HANK lost for words.
UNI backs up and canters after PRESTO and BOBBY, who are walking away, side by side. She catches up with them quickly.
PRESTO:
...I'm sure they just need to
sort some things out. We've all
been under stress.
BOBBY:
Yeah. I guess.
Beat.
BOBBY:
Jesus. If we think this is bad,
can you imagine what it must be
like on the other side of the
portal right now?
PRESTO laughs a little.
PRESTO:
I'm trying not to.
BOBBY:
Why was it they were arguing
half of yesterday again?
PRESTO:
Technically, whether it's
pronounced "dreamed" or
"dreamt". Actually, because
they both really love the
attention.
BOBBY:
Dude, I'm 16. I know protracted
foreplay when I see it.
PRESTO blinks at BOBBY.
PRESTO:
Of course you do. I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to... Whaddaya
mean, "foreplay"?
MUSIC:
A tango starts up.
CUT TO
EXT The pathway through the hills, Day.
What follows is a montage of ERIC and DIANA walking along a very long footpath which goes through hills, forest and finally farmland. The tango continues throughout.
ERIC:
Listen, if they like bananas
and have feet like hands,
they're monkeys.
DIANA:
Orang-utans are apes.
ERIC:
Apes are monkeys.
DIANA:
They are not! Only stupid
people think that!
CUT TO
EXT Same path, sparse woodland, Day.
DIANA:
Donald Sutherland was not in
MASH.
ERIC:
He so was.
DIANA:
With Alan Alda?
ERIC:
In the movie, stupid.
DIANA shakes her head.
ERIC:
OK, when we get home we're
watching MASH. And we're gonna
check up on that Orang-utans
Not Monkeys thing too.
CUT TO
EXT The same path, thick woodland, Day.
ERIC is singing the theme from "Shaft" to an unimpressed DIANA.
ERIC:
(sings)
He's a complicated man, and no-
one understands him but his
woman... Shaft! John Shaft.
(stops singing)
See? I know plenty about Black
culture.
DIANA rolls her eyes.
CUT TO
EXT The same path, thinning woodland, Day.
DIANA:
Dreamt.
ERIC:
Dreamed.
DIANA:
Dreamt.
ERIC:
Dreamed.
DIANA:
It's dreamt.
ERIC:
It's dreamed.
CUT TO
EXT Farmland off the path, Day.
DIANA is gleefully running through the waist deep cornfield, away from the path. ERIC is chasing her, annoyed. She stops and turns to him, taking a bite out of a large piece of fruit.
DIANA:
Oh man, this is delicious. I
only wish you could try some.
Laughing, she turns and runs again, narrowly missing ERIC.
ERIC:
Fucking bitch! I am never
helping you or sharing with you
ever again!
DIANA stops again.
DIANA:
Promise?
ERIC stops chasing.
ERIC:
Why have you always got to be
so difficult?
DIANA steps towards ERIC, hands raised.
DIANA:
OK, OK. Truce?
DIANA extends a hand for ERIC to shake. ERIC looks at her suspiciously for a moment, then takes her hand. They shake hands momentarily before ERIC, giving a quick cry of victory, tugs at DIANA's arm, sending her off balance. She falls into him, twisting around and catching his neck. For a brief moment they are held as though dipping in dance, before they both lose their balance and tumble into the corn.
The tango music ends.
Beneath the crops, ERIC hits the ground and, spitting out corn, makes a grab at DIANA. She shrieks playfully and tries wriggling away. With an effort, ERIC manages to hold DIANA's hands against the ground. He crawls on top of her, holding her prone. Both feign anger.
DIANA:
Dammit! I should never have
trusted you.
ERIC:
You know how sick I am of this.
Sick of chasing you, sick of
your little games.
He leans in on DIANA.
ERIC:
You know what I want.
DIANA:
You'll never have it from me.
ERIC:
Oh no?
ERIC forces DIANA's hand holding the fruit up to his mouth and takes a bite. He smiles at her cockily, chewing. DIANA's eyes narrow, still playing.
DIANA:
You bastard. D'you know what
they do to people like you?
On ERIC, still chewing, he grins and shrugs. The blade of a sword is put to his throat by somebody behind him. His expression falls.
OFFICER:
(O/S)
They hang you by the neck until
you are dead.
A hand reaches down and pulls ERIC up off DIANA. DIANA gets to her feet. Above the corn, they can see that a large group of men, around two dozen, have gathered in the field. They are in shabby uniform - some sort of provincial police - and all are armed. The one who still has ERIC's arm behind his back and his sword at his throat is the one who spoke and seems to be the leader.
DIANA:
What...?
OFFICER:
Are you all right, Miss? We saw
the commotion. We all have to
be on our toes these days
against these... despoilers.
ERIC:
"Despoilers"?
DIANA:
Listen, thanks for your
concern, but we were only...
OFFICER:
(sighs)
Only playing, right? I suppose
you two are old friends?
ERIC:
Well, yeah.
A POLICEMAN pulls at ERIC's face.
ERIC:
Ow!
POLICEMAN:
Hmm. Your disguises are getting
better. But how do you explain
this?
The POLICEMAN draws ERIC's sword and holds it out.
ERIC:
My sword?
OFFICER:
All of the strangers who have
come here to pillage our lands
and women had swords like that.
DIANA:
Orcs. Orcs from the Realm have
been here and they think that
because you've got an Orc
sword...
ERIC:
Hey, I'm not a bad guy. That
sword's stolen!
OFFICER:
That's a new excuse. But they
often force the girls they
attack to pretend that they
were only playing.
DIANA:
But it's true!
The POLICEMAN approaches her, in an intimidating fashion.
POLICEMAN:
Would you still be saying that
if we arrested you for
collaborating with the enemy?
DIANA steps back, a dangerous look on her face. She extends her staff. A few men begin to surround her, their weapons drawn.
On ERIC and the OFFICER. The OFFICER digs his sword deeper into ERIC's throat. ERIC desperately searches for an idea.
ERIC:
They don't believe you, girl.
Stop pretending. You'll only
make it worse.
DIANA and the men surrounding her look quizzically at ERIC.
DIANA:
Huh?
ERIC:
It's over.
ERIC glares at DIANA, overemphasising his words.
ERIC:
Even if I were twice the man I
am, I'd never escape all these
swordsmen.
OFFICER:
Then you admit it.
ERIC:
Yeah. She's an innocent.
ERIC flashes a meaningful look at the nonplussed DIANA.
ERIC:
Forgive me. I need help.
The OFFICER begins to escort ERIC away. The men follow, leaving DIANA.
OFFICER:
It is not up to us to forgive.
Perhaps the mighty fates will
deliver you redemption.
ERIC:
(to DIANA)
Yeah. Perhaps they will. But I
think they'll need something
pretty special...
DIANA stands alone in the corn, watching them go.
DIANA:
"Pretty special"? What I need
is a miracle.
As one, around twenty nuns stand up suddenly out of the corn, forming a circle around DIANA.
DIANA:
(understandably suprised
scream)